Every time I land in Ibiza I can hear Hans Zimmer’s The Last Samurai soundtrack. I’m being caught in a sadness that is good for my soul, I feel at peace with everything and everyone. I am the best version of myself, my mind is emptying suddenly and completely, making way to  pure reason and awareness. I am the perfect balance of good and bad. Only there I can find peace. Don’t ask me why.

      How people that have never been there talk about the island made me decide to write this article, to thwart the meandering of those bastards in the news.

1. Most Of What You Heard About IBIZA Is Wrong

     Parties, drugs, electronic music (Aaa!!!), not that smart people, opulence, etc.. Question for you, the reader: do you have these where you live right now? Of course you do, right? So, why would you think about a place from this perspective? Ibiza has some of the best parties in the world and some of the worst. Like any other place, it depends on you which ones you choose. Yes, you will find Geordies (know that name from British TV) having sex in the streets, shouting, drugs in the clubs, outside and so on. Just avoid those areas or people, it’s that simple. Just don’t judge the island by these images set by some tourists, and in no way by the locals.

2. IBIZA Is Not For Everyone

     This is very important. I heard people not liking it for reasons from number one above and even for not feeling the vibe people talk about. This is true, we are different in so many ways and we cannot all feel at home in the same places. It’s alright, but don’t tell your friends about what you didn’t like, don’t be negative about the place, because I’m 100% sure you haven’t seen even 5% of the island. If your stories are on the negative side, you haven’t really seen the island in it’s beauty. If you’ve never been there and have a negative friend putting you off about Ibiza, tell him/her off in a Geordie way and go explore for yourself. Even if you realise it is still not your spiritual place, let go of the bad and keep the good with you, you’ll need a lot of space for that.

3. The Island Of IBIZA Has Multiple Cities

     Yes, although the island is roughly 50 km / 30 miles long, the island has a few main cities: Ibiza (Eivissa), San Antonio (Sant Antoni de Portmany) and Santa Eulalia (Santa Eularia des Riu). The rest are very small villages with their own particular exaggerated beauty. Enjoy them all and discover the difference in the tourists they attract.

4. No One On The Island Cares About What You’re Wearing

     Haha! When I see models posting online things like, when I’ll be in Ibiza I’ll wear this Dolce & Gabbana swimsuit, or, in Amnesia I’ll wear this Vivienne Westwood dress, I’m suffocating. NO ONE THERE CARES ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE WEARING! Just put on something that fits you and the occasion, no matter the brand. Your clothing brand does not matter there. I understand that people are advertising on Instagram and get good money for it, but be aware that you do not have to spend a fortune on designer clothes to go on the island. Pack your favourite ones and just go have fun. Every time I’m there and see a woman I like, I just want to undress her and put her clothes to shame, of course with the labels facing down, or using them as cushion for our fornication. You’ll be naked most of the times anyway… Baby, think twice!

5. The Island’s Beauty Is Only Revealed To The Curious Eye

     I’ve seen loads of people acting on holiday like in their country. Weirdly, they visit English pubs and drink Heineken, Fosters, screwing cap wine bottles, etc.. Don’t do that, please! I am suffering when I see the tourists in Ibiza doing it. Visiting the commercial places is a huge waste of money, time, holiday and most importantly, mental and physical health. You go on holiday to break out from your regular routine, not stay into it and mimic holidaying. Start like this: during your next holiday in Ibiza dedicate one day to do everything out of the ordinary. Stop ordering chicken and fries and beer and get a local dish and local wine. Start gradually, but start living. Don’t go to the crowded beaches and scout for a hidden one. You will discover a progressive beauty that will tear you apart. That is what Ibiza’s all about.

6. Don’t Spend Most Of Your Time In The Hotel

     You might think that this point is same as the previous one, but it’s not. I felt like splitting the two for better underlining.

     One time I stayed in an adults only hotel in San Antonio and when having a relaxing shower during a late morning [1pm :)], I could hear a lot of shouting coming in through the bathroom window from the pool area. A bunch of British lads, like proper lads, and ladies, were having fun drinking shit wine, shit commercial beer and cockroach (mix of drinks) from shit plastic cups, until they got into fighting each other. At some point security had to intervene. Whenever I was in the hotel, at different times of day and night, they were there, doing the same thing. I was thinking: that has to be one crap holiday… You don’t want that, do you? The island has amazing local and international cuisine, some of the most beautiful and remote beaches in the world, amazing people, amazing climate, the best clubs for any taste, the most quiet places to relax and maybe take incredible night photos without the light of a city spoiling it for you, and many more. I travel all the time following a very important principle: my hotel is for taking a shower, sleep for a bit and having sex if the case; no breakfast, no lunch, no dinner (with an eventual free-pass if their restaurant is really good).

Explore! It will change you forever, for good.

7. The Island Has No Indigenous Snakes

     Ok, reptile lovers, the best you’ll ever get on the island are the beautiful and friendly green lizards. If you’re afraid of snakes, find out that it is safe to go in the bushes, Ibiza has no indigenous snakes. People have sighted some, but they were brought in by the boats from the mainland. I have never seen one though, alive or dead. Trek as muck as you want without any worries.

8. If You See A Purple Jellyfish, SWIM AWAY FAST!

     During my second time in Ibiza I was swimming in an amazing gulf and straying from the shore a lot, like I always do. You know that when you swim, even if the water is crystal clear, it is hard to see if there’s something in the water without goggles. I was swimming relaxed when suddenly I got stung by something and felt like something just took a bite out of my wrist. I panicked and drank some water, I felt like throwing up and started screaming feeling a very intense pain in my arm. Everyone got alarmed while I was swimming towards the shore and they were shouting at me: “medusa, medusa!“. “Medusa” means jellyfish in Spanish. A guy from the nearby restaurant poured some vinegar on the sting, but didn’t help much, some were saying I needed a virgin girl to pee on my hand. 🙂 Joke aside, it was no joke. It hurt for a month and had the jellyfish tattoo o my wrist for almost a year. If you dive and they sting you in the eye, bye-bye sight… The schools come and go with the currents. Most of the time the waters are safe, but if you see them, stay away and don’t touch them. Actually, if you have a net, pull them out of the water and onto the sand in sunlight. They are multiplying worryingly and as the waters get warmer, they head to the shores. They are beautiful, but too many, dangerous and destroying a lot of the sea wildlife.

This is the proof of what I’m talking about:

9. Use Sunscreen With SPF Higher Than 20

     Ibiza has very high temperatures during the summer and very little difference between night and day. If during the day you have 35ºC-40ºC, at night you’ll have 28ºC. As an example, I was walking back to the hotel after club and sweating like a pig. Oink, Oink! More reasons to shine in your fancy designer clothes, right? Again, during your stay you’ll spend most of your time naked!

10. The Island Has Zero Tolerance To Littering

    I loathe nothing more than seeing someone littering, especially those covering their cigarette stubs into the sand. Pick up your fucking trash, you bastard! You like the clean beach and the waters clear as teardrops and won’t sit if you see garbage, but you like creating waste. If someone will tell you off if you’re doing it, it might be me and trust me, I’m not afraid of getting in a fight with you, even if you’re Mayweather. I’ll give you a good match if you decide to take it to that level. I’ll be polite at first, although I shouldn’t, you get the gist, don’t be a fool… Please protect that pristine nature, not just for future generations, but for all generations.

Bonus

11. Heavy Synthetic Drugs Don’t Go Well With The Triple H: Heat, Holiday, Hospital

     Just imagine yourself on that scorching heat, inebriated, you’re slipping a pill in there bought from a guy you don’t know, and hope for the best. And you wake up in Can Misses, the main hospital on the island, with a cannula in your hand and connected to the machines. Can you imagine the stress you’re putting on your body? I’m not judging you, but one time I was in Ibiza with a friend that is buying and swallowing anything from anyone. He got half an Ecstasy and got one eye pupil larger than the other one. I’m not talking about the iris dilating, but the whole pupil. I did some research and that means you’re very close to a head stroke. That’s nothing for you, right? Why don’t you stick to the regular cocaine and weed? Cocaine there is thousands of times better than London’s 4% one and that’s because a lot of very rich and famous people are bringing, or demanding it. Even that with reason. If you don’t understand the music without taking synthetics, just don’t go to clubs, you’re ruining the experience for the others if something bad happens to you. Plus, give those poor doctors a break people! I’ve been to that hospital for a different reason and trust me when saying that they have more important things to do than saving junkies.

Travel yourself to life!

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